first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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