Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
