just come out here and I will go home with you...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
