Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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