I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
