I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
