I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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