Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
