I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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