on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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