so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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