Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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