I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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