I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
