What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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