I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
