Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Houston, we have a blender
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
