I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Randomize
