just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
