I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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