I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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