he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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