I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
