I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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