My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
