I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
