u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
