Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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