I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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