he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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