Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
