I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
