yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
