I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
