I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
