he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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