we have officially lost it.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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