he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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