my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
