I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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