nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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