Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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