hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
