There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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