you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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