I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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