I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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