Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
