Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
