I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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