Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
