i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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