my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
