I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
