I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
