Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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