I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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