did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
