I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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