I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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