Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
