I think my vagina is haunted
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
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We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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