You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
