I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
